What does trust and honesty mean to you?
Think about your own relationships for a minute. Your current and your past. Think of those people you dated: some of them only once, few for a longer and just a couple of them, long term... How honest were you?
Some of you might think now that by honesty I mean loyalty and as long as you haven't cheated all is fine.
Nope, I don't mean that. That's what I hear about from my clients, too. And then we start digging deeper into how to be 100% honest and open with your partner,...starting with yourself!
Would you believe if I share with you that I personally was struggling with being honest in the past?
Yes, I did. But why would I?
I was afraid of being judged: for ages, I had "too big dreams" and "too high aspirations". That was considered "wrong" by so many people in my past, including my ex-husband.
I was scared to open up and be transparent - because of fear of being hurt again. That fear was driving me insane: part of me wanted to scream out loud about who I want to be and another part was just staying shy and loud.
I was pretending a lot to be someone else. I was making myself "fit in", because I was too different: since I was little I didn't really enjoy the company of friends my age, I always had more in common with those who were older and what a surprise one of my greatest friends actually now is 73! I was always drawn into the wisdom and experience they had... And as a result, I had to pretend I enjoy being with people my age... Even just a conversation - was never right...
Can you relate to any of these?
How do you think that affected my life?
I transferred all those fears and insecurities into my marriage. Even though we looked very happy as a couple - deep inside I was not happy at all. I was craving to be heard, to speak out, to show who I am but instead, I was playing the role of an amazing wife and a top mom.
Can you recognise yourself here? Do you play the role of "I can do that all!"?
I had the urge to learn as much as I could, so I could help others and my husband couldn't understand that. I was feeling like a winner every time I was able to make a change in someone else's life and I wanted more, but... that was "weird". I was longing to travel and he wasn't willing to do it. For me it was an opportunity to explore, challenge ourselves, for him it was a hassle. I wanted to achieve and create and he was telling me why can't I just be "normal". And lastly, I wanted to run a business, to be independent and instead I heard that it is "impossible".
Was my husband a bad person? Not at all. Until now I think very highly of him, he is an amazing father and a great character. However, we were too different. Did I know that before we got married? Yes. But I followed the rule: study, work, get married, work, have kids, work.... And even though I knew that we are totally different - I still married hoping "he will change" and what happened next? It was me not being happy. Because I managed to suit the role. And if I would be that type of person - that would be a great marriage! But I wasn't. As a result of me not being able to share with him the reasons regarding why I wanted to achieve more and be more instead of just saying my "wants"... we got divorced. I should of being honest and say that when I want all of that - it makes me feel valuable when I help people, I feel needed and wanted, I feel proud of myself, I feel like an achiever,... But I was too worried to be laughed at.
...We both cried at the court and the judge couldn't believe I am ready to get divorced at the age of 24, whilst sobbing there, like a little girl. Both of us were heartbroken and yet I knew he deserves a real "proper wife" and "a top mom" and I wasn't able to be a housewife. I knew I deserve someone just like me: high energy, achiever and hungry for life and experiences. We had to go separate ways but gladly we are still in good relationships.
Why would I share this story with you? Because I learned that only through sharing your truth you develop real, transparent relationships.
Becoming a life coach was eye-opening for me but it didn't mean I sorted myself out within 3 or 30 days (I wish!). It meant I went on a beautiful journey of transformation: through helping my clients to understand themselves and finding their own insecurities and issues, I was able to work on my own, as well. And on multiple occasions as soon as I would work on mine - I would have a client with an identical case and I would just take them on the journey of changing their limiting beliefs into empowering stories!
How do I feel now?
I own my life now. I am very grateful and thankful for all the life lessons and experiences I had, because that all allowed me to be true ME, honest with myself, my partner, my child, my friends and everyone else.
Are you true yourself? How do you think you will feel like being true and honest with yourself?
How do you think it will affect your relationships when you will start being just open, honest, true yourself?
I had to learn and practise that within a few steps. The same steps helped my clients and I would love to share them with you in order to help you, too:
Start with being honest with yourself. That means doing what you want to do instead of dragging yourself into events, parties, relationships you hate. When you are honest and transparent with yourself - it's easier, to be honest with others.
Start saying "no" if it doesn't feel right or you just can't make it or even don't want to do it. Unless you work in Emergency or Fire brigade - no-one should expect you to be available 100%. Get your time and your life back, so you have that space to work on yourself.
Analyse your circle of friends. You are the average of 5 closest people in your life. Just think for a second, who are they? Are you influenced in a good way or in a negative way by your people? With careful choice of your friends, you will give yourself the opportunity to be the true yourself. And guess what is the most important lesson here? NO friend is better than someone dragging you down. NO partner is better than someone who destroys you emotionally every day.
Start sharing your real thoughts, opinions, your immense dreams. I know what it will feel like for the first time: awkward. Because of all "what ifs" you have. Just like I had. Tip: don't forget to breathe as soon as you shared something; I was holding my breath - that's how worried I was. All previous steps are easy to do compared to this one. With practising this step - you to exercise honesty. It will help you to get used to breathe and share at the same time.
Schedule an honesty hour. It could be your journalling. I still journal and I find that this is the best way to learn about yourself: just by answering your own questions with 100% honesty. If you are in relationships, you can meet in a coffee shop and have an open conversation. Even better is to go for a walk! Anything you build inside of you - will be just "walked off" and you will feel relaxed. During this time talk about your feelings, what is missing in relationships, what fears or worries do you have and also don't forget to share how much your partner means to you. We assume they know, but they need to hear it, to see. Discuss how do you feel in every area and aspect of your relationships. If you would like to take to the next level - just email me on email@example.com and I will send you a relationship wheel which we use with my clients and it is a great tool to score and analyse your relationships, area by area. Most importantly - please come up with solutions and actions steps what you will do to improve your relationships. Please, please and once more please stick to what you have agreed.
It takes two to build and maintain a truly amazing relationships and with The Honesty Hour - you will make it long-lasting, too.